I wasn't sure if I should share this because it's pretty honest and vulnerable. But I recently posted on my personal blog about being authentic and not putting out an "everything is perfect" front on social media, so I thought it would be hypocritical of me not to share. I'm still working through some of these thoughts on my own, so bare with me... Now that we are only 2 months out from our September 11 Launch date, the reality of fundraising our income and living on support is starting to set in, and I'll be honest.. It's scary. It has not been scary because we've still had a paycheck coming in and living on support has been in the future. It's almost as if it's just been this hypothetical idea.. but now that we will only have 2 more paychecks coming in until we are living on full support, and we're only halfway funded so far, it's become so much more real. The scary part is not that we will not have a steady paycheck coming in (because let's be honest, if we HAD TO, we could cut our spending and go find minimum wage paying jobs to cover our bills). It's not really about the money. We could find the money. It's scary because for the first time in my life, I truly am staking everything on the faithfulness and goodness of God. And that is plain terrifying. Not because there is a chance that I may find out He is not faithful or good. Or that He is not even real for that matter. There is no doubt in my mind that God is Real, Faithful, and Good. I know that He is. And even if I didn't believe it, He still would be. Because the character of God doesn't ride on my thoughts and beliefs. He is what He is because He is. What is terrifying is this: What if He doesn't come through the way that I THINK He should come through? If the Bible is clear on anything, it is that God does not think like we do. He has his own way of doing things and it is always better. But it doesn't always look better from our end of things. From the beginning of our journey I have been saying that this would be a HUGE way for God to show his glory. It would be a huge testament to his Faithfulness if he came through and completely provided for our needs monetarily. But what if, instead of showing His glory through providing for our needs, His real goal is to stretch our faith by whittling us down to nothing? What if the purpose of all of this is for us to say "I still trust You," even though we have nothing? THAT IS SCARY.But it's not unheard of! (JOB, ANYONE?) Now, I'm not saying that I'm as faithful as Job, I'd like to say that I am, but if I'm honest, I just really don't think that I'm there or could ever be there. But what really stands out to me in this possibility is this: I know that God cannot fail. But I can fail. I can second guess Him and step out of His plan by getting another job. I can move before He wants me to move. I can think He is telling me something when He is not. I can give into temptation and try to take more control in the situation than I am supposed to. All of these situations are very real and very easy to fall into.. and I know that the enemy is throwing them at me left and right, hoping that I will falter for just a second and misstep. and that is scary. But I still have hope because God is bigger than that. "Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise." He has promised to never leave or abandon me. (Deut. 31:6) He has promised that he will not allow me to be tempted beyond what I can stand and will always give me a way out. (1 Cor. 10:13) He has promised to give me everything I need as I seek the Kingdom above all else. (Luke 12:31) He has promised that His plans will not be thwarted and His purposes will prevail. (Job 42:2; Prov 19:21) And he has promised that He knows the plans He has for me, and they are good prosperous plans that will not harm me, that will give me hope and a future. (Jer. 29:11) I think the biggest lesson that God wants me to learn today, and that hopefully you can learn from this post is this: EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR FAILURES, OUR QUESTIONS, AND OUR DOUBTS... So even if things don't turn out the way I think they should, I am choosing every day to believe that His thoughts and His ways are higher than my thoughts and my ways.
(Isaiah 55:8-9)
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I feel you bro, yet here I am with mortgage due and barely the $$ to pay it eating like a pig at Cracker Barrel (thank you gift cards), having just seen a recent movie. Though times can be tough, he is Faithful. After 15 YEARS of this I still ask "How do you do this?" And yet, I am so grateful that He allows moments like this for my blessing. Love you guys!
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Marin HudsonMarin likes to stay up late and write. But sometimes Percy will write as well. :) Archives
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